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FlickrReview: G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra
I've recently been concerned that I have become a cinematic apologist; I've written so many reviews (here and on Blippr) about how great the movies I watch are that I've had to start wondering if they're actually great, or if I am just trying too hard to garner some kind of approval (or avoid flame wars). So thank goodness Bonaventura Films came along with a 2-hour counterargument.
Short-form review, spoiler-free: A popcorn movie on quaaludes. Some good action scenes; a plot straight out of the old show, minus the overt jingoism; and some of the worst pacing and storytelling ever to top the box office. Worth a matinee with a friend who will help you make fun of it.
Long form review, POTENTIAL SPOILERS:
When I first heard this movie was coming out, I summarized my expectations pretty well. I expected it to be awesome, but I did not expect it to be good. I went in knowing I threw ten bucks into a bucket of testosterone laced with gunpowder. That said, I was still a tiny bit disappointed.
The movie's strengths, and there are a few, should be listed first. First of all, the villains are as well-played as they needed to be for this movie, which is to say, over the top and straight into orbit. Christopher Eccleston does some great scenery-chewing as the politically amoral "McCullen" (come on guys), and Joseph Gordon-Levitt brings is a side of evil bacon as "The Doctor" (really?). I should also give lots of points to Ray Park as Snake Eyes, and to the direction that gave his martial arts skills some room for showcasing. And as lame as I thought the addition of the accelerator suits was, the extended scene that uses them is a nice chunk of Stuff Blowing Up in the middle of the movie. And, I will say, the plot is a very good G.I. Joe plot, which is to say, a nice excuse for some military porn with a side of sci-fi.
However, for an action movie, it's surprisingly slow; less time is spent on gunfire and cool stunts than is spent on long CGI glamour-shots of vehicles and lots and lots of exposition. When I say it's a good G.I. Joe plot I also mean it's simplistic, and while I'm not saying I wanted this movie to be The Mousetrap, if they were going to have a simple plot they should have at least had the courtesy to omit the characters explaining everything about it out loud.
Speaking of explaining things, a special message to whoever wrote this script: flashbacks aren't nearly as cool as you think they are. The relationship between Storm Shadow and Snake Eyes could have been described much more eloquently than via two 5-minute flashbacks in the middle of transitional scenes. And the flashbacks establishing the relationships between Duke, "The Doctor", and the Baroness are not only sloppy, but more than a little annoying, seeing as how they are flashbacks meant to establish relationships that the characters never had and didn't need.
And Duke...Duke, Duke, Duke. If I had to summarize the problems with this movie in two words, one would be "flashbacks" and the other would be "Duke". Duke was always the Big Damn Hero of the G.I. Joe story, alongside Flint; but the effort to make him "deep" and "important" in this script winds up not only obvious, but kind of insulting. Duke is stated, but never really shown, to be one of the best soldiers G.I. Joe has ever seen—so much so that they have to make a joke about how he's way cooler than the Black Guy! In fact, Duke is so awesome that his Manly, Puppy-Eyed Love for the Baroness turns her good again, because No Hot Chick is Ever Evil! And of course, Duke is so awesome that Cobra Commander used to be his best friend, because Everyone Important Knows Duke! Really, guys? This is your vision of a hero?
In the end, G.I. Joe gets 3 out of 5 rocket launchers from me, with an entire one of those points going to Joseph Gordon-Levitt hamming it up as Cobra Commander (SPOILED! except not). The explosions are great, the military stuff is appropriately showcased, and the love for the franchise is at least apparent in everything except for the romance plots (Duke is in love with Scarlett, guys, get it straight). This was a movie made by fans, clearly; but not for them. The kids who loved G.I. Joe have grown up, Hasbro; please get over the idea this is a kid's movie.
Short-form review, spoiler-free: A popcorn movie on quaaludes. Some good action scenes; a plot straight out of the old show, minus the overt jingoism; and some of the worst pacing and storytelling ever to top the box office. Worth a matinee with a friend who will help you make fun of it.
Long form review, POTENTIAL SPOILERS:
When I first heard this movie was coming out, I summarized my expectations pretty well. I expected it to be awesome, but I did not expect it to be good. I went in knowing I threw ten bucks into a bucket of testosterone laced with gunpowder. That said, I was still a tiny bit disappointed.
The movie's strengths, and there are a few, should be listed first. First of all, the villains are as well-played as they needed to be for this movie, which is to say, over the top and straight into orbit. Christopher Eccleston does some great scenery-chewing as the politically amoral "McCullen" (come on guys), and Joseph Gordon-Levitt brings is a side of evil bacon as "The Doctor" (really?). I should also give lots of points to Ray Park as Snake Eyes, and to the direction that gave his martial arts skills some room for showcasing. And as lame as I thought the addition of the accelerator suits was, the extended scene that uses them is a nice chunk of Stuff Blowing Up in the middle of the movie. And, I will say, the plot is a very good G.I. Joe plot, which is to say, a nice excuse for some military porn with a side of sci-fi.
However, for an action movie, it's surprisingly slow; less time is spent on gunfire and cool stunts than is spent on long CGI glamour-shots of vehicles and lots and lots of exposition. When I say it's a good G.I. Joe plot I also mean it's simplistic, and while I'm not saying I wanted this movie to be The Mousetrap, if they were going to have a simple plot they should have at least had the courtesy to omit the characters explaining everything about it out loud.
Speaking of explaining things, a special message to whoever wrote this script: flashbacks aren't nearly as cool as you think they are. The relationship between Storm Shadow and Snake Eyes could have been described much more eloquently than via two 5-minute flashbacks in the middle of transitional scenes. And the flashbacks establishing the relationships between Duke, "The Doctor", and the Baroness are not only sloppy, but more than a little annoying, seeing as how they are flashbacks meant to establish relationships that the characters never had and didn't need.
And Duke...Duke, Duke, Duke. If I had to summarize the problems with this movie in two words, one would be "flashbacks" and the other would be "Duke". Duke was always the Big Damn Hero of the G.I. Joe story, alongside Flint; but the effort to make him "deep" and "important" in this script winds up not only obvious, but kind of insulting. Duke is stated, but never really shown, to be one of the best soldiers G.I. Joe has ever seen—so much so that they have to make a joke about how he's way cooler than the Black Guy! In fact, Duke is so awesome that his Manly, Puppy-Eyed Love for the Baroness turns her good again, because No Hot Chick is Ever Evil! And of course, Duke is so awesome that Cobra Commander used to be his best friend, because Everyone Important Knows Duke! Really, guys? This is your vision of a hero?
In the end, G.I. Joe gets 3 out of 5 rocket launchers from me, with an entire one of those points going to Joseph Gordon-Levitt hamming it up as Cobra Commander (SPOILED! except not). The explosions are great, the military stuff is appropriately showcased, and the love for the franchise is at least apparent in everything except for the romance plots (Duke is in love with Scarlett, guys, get it straight). This was a movie made by fans, clearly; but not for them. The kids who loved G.I. Joe have grown up, Hasbro; please get over the idea this is a kid's movie.
posted by Tyler at
9:24 AM
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